A Very Stupid Thing

There comes a time in a mans life when one must do something stupid. It is a law of nature that a human being cannot go through life without doing atleast one very stupid thing. For me it happens to be more than one. . . actually more than I can count. In other words more than I have fingers and toes.

Today I had one of those very stupid moments. It is definitely in the top three and may even get ranked at number one. It has now been almost three hours from this most embarrassing moment and I have yet to stop smiling and shaking my head.

Let me set the scene. It is snowy and the wind is blowing and I am hungry and my truck is on empty. So on my way back from a lunch break where I didn't actually eat lunch I stopped at Buck's, a local gas station near where I work. I got out and immediately a big fat snowflake smacks me right in the eye blinding me for a second. That is the kind of weather I was dealing with.

So I hunker down into my coat to stop the snow from hitting me in the face as I swiped my card and got the diesel pumping into my truck. As soon as I knew the fuel was flowing I took off across the parking lot and went into the gas station to see if they had anything to eat. Believe it or not they actually have an entire selection of lunches set under heat lamps and have probably been sitting there for days. I looked over the selection and passed up on the egg rolls and chicken gizzards (yes gizzards and no I am not making this up) and decided on the cheeseburger. So using packets of ketchup and mayonnaise I dressed up the rubbery burger and went to pay.

On a side note - most everyone that is reading this blog knows that I am a crazed Colts fan and that they are playing this weekend in the AFC Championship game. So I was having what Emily calls my own "personal spirit day". I had on a Colts T-shirt and a Colts jacket.

So when I finally get to the cashier and began to pay for my lunch that may or may not give me diarrhea for the next twelve hours the gal behind the counter deciding to try and be funny for the first time in her life says to me, "you don't like the Colts do you?" No, I hate them. They are the worst football team in the NFL. What do you think you silly girl?

Well of course I caught the sarcasm in her voice and bantered back about how much I hate them using my own sarcastic tone. The transaction finally completed as we continued joking about my attire and I ran back out into the windy snowy weather - this time getting smacked with a big wet snowflake in my ear. It was like getting a freezing cold wet-willy. So in order to diminish the chances of getting more freezing cold wet willies and also to stop any heat from going out of the fake cheeseburger I had just purchased I started to dash back across the parking lot of the gas station. Side Note: There is only one thing worse than eating a hot fake cheeseburger. That is eating a cold fake cheeseburger.

So I run to my truck and jump in the cab, fumble for my keys and start the engine. I throw it into drive and pull away from the pump, thinking about how late I am going to be in getting back to work. I start to pull around the second set of pumps and then before my mind can even comprehend the epiphany that it just had my body reacted slamming on the brakes. I looked out my side view mirror and yes, much to my chagrin I had just pulled away from the pump with the nozzle still stuffed into my gas tank. My stomach fell into my feet with my heart and jaw not far behind. I knew that I had gone way too far for the short little hose that they have hooked to the nozzle that was in my fuel tank could stretch. I had just ripped the nozzle and hose from the pump.

To add to my horror I looked up and there is this kindly looking elderly lady that had been pumping gas at another pump jumping up and down and pointing at my gas tank with wild eyes. I don't know if she was saying anything and frankly I didn't want to know what she was saying even if she was saying anything. My mind was too busy thinking of what to do at this junction in time. The damage had been done. There were many witnesses to testify of my stupidity. What to do?

I decided to act like I do this kind of thing all the time and I drove around all of the pumps with a bright green nozzle and long green hose sticking out of my truck and dragging on the ground. I honestly don’t know how many people were staring at me, but at a time like that you are sure most everyone in Idaho Falls turned their eyes on you. After circling the entire set of pumps going at what felt like 0.0004 miles per hour I got back to the pump that I had just dismembered and got out of my truck and with as much dignity as I could muster I pulled the nozzle out of my gas tank and hung it up. I then began inspecting the other side of the hose and realized that it was a quick release. So I simply hooked it back up with diesel pouring all over my hands and grabbed my receipt, hopped back into my truck and making sure I did not make eye contact with anyone in the parking lot of the gas station I drove away.

As I pulled back out into traffic I finally remembered I hadn’t done something since realizing what a stupid thing I had just done, so I exhaled and began breathing once again. After another hundred yards of driving down Sunnyside the jitters subsided and the giggles (oh wait that isn’t manly enough) the chuckles set in. Or maybe I should say chortles, or sniggers. Anyway you get the point. I was still laughing as I sat down at my desk and began to eat my cheeseburger and it was at this point that I had another epiphany, I had forgotten the pickles.